Who needs sleep?

B has always been a great sleeper, so luckily I don’t have to deal with this very often. We put him down around 8 o’clock every night and the majority of the time he sleeps through the night. The above image does, however, depict the sleeping arrangements on the rare occasion that the tiny human does sleep with mom and dad. Every now and then we’ll all “nap” together as one big happy family.

Before the baby came along, I would be knocked out like Joseph Gordon Levitt; Inception style. Sleep inside of sleep, dreams within dreams. Unicorns, ponies, balloons and butterflies. Now: not so much. When the baby and dog wants a nap with dad, I have fingers in my eye sockets, knees in the lower lumbar region and feet playing hacky sack with my testicles. There’s also the fear of moving even an inch in case I disturb the kiddo from his siesta, because no one wants a sleep deprived toddler.

A man once said, “I am not a smart man, but I know what love is”. No kidding buddy. Because only someone who truly loves their family would allow a  sleeping arrangement like the one pictured above to happen. I’m not sure if I radiate the most heat, or if it’s my wonderful fatherly aroma, or just the fact the right side of the bed attracts objects like moth’s to a light, but it seems like my personal area is the cool place to hang out. I can picture B texting the dog, ‘party in dad’s spot on the bed tonight, bring your green hat’. Not cool bro, not cool at all.

For those of you that know me personally, you know that my body size would limit sleeping in a 3′ x 3′ square. I’m roughly 6’3”  – 200 (ish) pounds and to top it off I need to lay in a perfect position to fall asleep. Dog jammed into my feet, baby drooling on my head is NOT a perfect position. The sheer fact that I purchased a king sized bed from Ikea and successfully assembled said bed with Ikea directions, should allow me as much sleeping room as I want. Seriously, go hang out on mom’s side, its really nice and has great views of the rest of the room.

But, alas, I give give up. I can move the baby towards the middle of the bed over and over, scissor kick the dog in the head repeatedly, but they still gravitate towards me in the end. I’m fighting a losing battle. Sakya, B and the dog are dreaming away and I am left stuck with my thoughts as I stare at the wall from my tiny piece of Serta. In actuality I am pretty blessed. I have 3 living things that love me enough that they want to be draped over me amidst their slumber.

Now, if only I could free this arm just a bit to Google on my iPhone “contortionist classes” and “Ambien”.


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10 responses

  1. There are some Pulitzer phrases in this piece. I’ll allow the reader find them on their own.

    What you need, my friend, is training and lots of it. You need the commitment for the long haul. After decades of training, this will be so completely natural and ingrained that your body will rebel if you ever try to go back to the way it was before.

    Enjoy the journey!

  2. Too funny. Your diagram looks exactly like my bed when DS sleeps with us. He is always snuggled up on hubby and hubby always winds up at the very edge of the bed. If I notice it, I do try moving DS back to the middle like you, but DS always seems to always move right back.

  3. Too funny, considering last night I have my 7 year old in bed with me and he must have kicked me 100X last night:(. Nice to have a Dad blogger around, I haven’t seen too many. Welcome to the NOBH!

  4. I had to laugh at your diagram! You dads do make some sacrifices and we LOVE you for it. …and… we’re sorry. 🙂 I don’t know if you’ll ever get used to it, but here’s why you continue to do it. Not only does nobody want a sleep-deprived toddler, NOBODY wants a sleep-deprived mom. As the saying goes, When mama’s happy, everybody is happy.

    Thanks for the laugh!

  5. Loved reading your tale of (loving) torture and sacrifice! I’m usually the one getting kicked in the back/head/whathaveyou and relegated to the furthest 6″ on the mattress by my 3 year old, while the dear hubs lays stretched out like the Christ the Redeemer statue. Substitute 2 very fat cats for the dog, and I’m totally feelin’ ya! Found you on NOBH, and I’m sure I’ll visit again soon!

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